Letter to Brenda
|Date:||March 7, 1989|
7 Mar 89
Thanks for your letter! Of course everything has changed AGAIN! I just did another set of conditions on my first dynamic.
As usual I'm creating some fireworks here. Specifically, I'm not making it. Cindy should be happy. That's said in pure and complete sarcasm!
This is one of those "ack & shred" letters - so prepare yourself!
The truth came out that I never really wanted to be in the S.O. But I set out to make Gene wrong, and did. Confronting that has been a bitch! So there you have it. My debts are going up and I am going to pay them.
I fell in love with the HAS here - got nailed for putting out the intention (because that was about all it amounted to) and have been wrestling with that - because I do really want a 2D with him. I'm just
purely coping on that one. I've confessed everything and it's all in my P.C. folder. My jets are cooled in P.T. and I'm behaving. So the big picture is that I'm going to work out here, divorce Gene (again!) and get the hell on with my life. I just re-read your letter and I really GOT IT! In fact, the very things I've been confronting on my conditions is what is survival for me based on my observation and not what anyone else "thinks". I've come a long way over the past few years and I just kept trying to deny that I have changed. My biggest ruin has been an unwillingness to confront what I really want for me. I'd always invalidate that and wind right back in the soup. I'm going to make it go right though and you'll never know how much your TRUE friendship has meant to me throughout all of this! I really know you love me and just want me to stand on my own 2 feet.
I've come to realize who my real friends are through this. They are few and you are definitely one! Thank you for continuing to trust me.